I would sell everything for a pair of good reasons.

So, I have an incredibly huge crush on a girl. This girl is so amazing. Today is March 29 at 3 in the morning. Shade and I broke up at the end of January. Im confused as to if this is a rebound. Im pretty sure this girl thinks it is. Ugh. Part of me wants to believe that its not a rebound but the other part of me always knows that its a possibility. How do you know when you're not rebounding anymore? Im not really sure. No one ever told me! Plus, Shea was the first serious relationship i ever had. Im in new territory now.

Beside all that, i cant get this girl out of my freaking mind. All day i think about her. At night i dream about her. She is always present in my mind. When i see her i get excited like a 14 year old. I just want to be with her. Even if i could be with her though, i know Im not really ready to be in another relationship. I know my walk with Christ isn't on the tracks He wants it to be. I remember the feelings i had for Shea when we first started dating and things were new. I think that these feelings are actually stronger. Its weird.

I absolutely adore this girl. I always have.  Two years ago i actually had the same exact feelings for her months before i dated Shea. I realized that at the time that she just didnt want to go there. I have been friends with her for a long time now. Everything about her makes me go crazy. I feel certain ways about this girl that i never felt about Shea. I feel like a jerk for dating someone for so long and not feeling certain ways about them... cant do anything about it now. I dont know if she understands that she makes me lose sleep at night and skip meals during the day. I want to sell everything i have. All my guitars, my car, anything else i have of value, i want to sell. Take some money from that, buy a ring for this girl, ask her to marry me, then use whatever else to buy two one way tickets to anywhere in the world. We would move there, do missions and never come back to the states. The heck with everything else. Nothing else would matter. Me, her, and our buddy Jesus. (life is too short to waste right?) 

I asked her out on a date and she told me no because i was rebounding. Maybe so, it was like 3 weeks ago. Im still convinced that Shea and JB getting together was the result of a rebound, but thats not my problem anymore. I look at them and know what i dont want to do. I dont want to jump into a relationship with a really good friend just to have it thrown away months later. Im also convinced that she definitely is wife material and that we will get married one day. Maybe im delusional, maybe im making it feel that way myself, or maybe Im wrong like i was about Shea. Who knows at this point.            Perhaps im just crazy.

Yesterday i told her that we should totally grab some coffee sometime. Her response was "we shall see." What does that even mean? Am I totally reading too much into things? Am i making this all up in my head? Does she actually maybe have feelings for me too? I dont know and not knowing is the most frustrating part of life. 

Am i a stalker if i keep asking her out? -Not every day of course, but twice in 3 weeks. Its like, i know what i want, so i want to have what i want. You cant always get what you want of course. Anyways, ill keep waiting to understand why this is all happening. She'll probably be attending Seminary with me in the fall. Maybe theres something to this whole thing, maybe not. I sure wish i knew now. What beauty God has created.

DNOW Jennings

This weekend I had an amazing time in Jennings, LA. We played a DNOW at Jennings FBC for about 30 students. It was, by far, the most fun I have ever personally had playing music. It wasn't even the music that was the best part. The best part was that I made a ton of new friends! We got to hang out with a bunch of awesome kids all weekend. Those kids loved us and we loved them right back. They were so open to hanging out with us and they weren't ever afraid to approach us to chat or whatever. It was awesome!

I gave my heart to a bunch of kids this weekend and they did nothing but give theirs back. The great thing about kids/students is the fact that it doesn't matter what you do, they will love you completely! They have faith in you and they believe in you sometimes more than you have and do to yourself. It's that kind of child-like faith that God calls us to have in Him.

Coffee Beanery Thoughts

What does hope mean to someone who has none? 

What is needed for a truly happy life?

So we're sitting in Coffee Beanery and we haven't gotten anything done in the three hours we've been here. Listening to good music and enjoying good coffee, we have come to the point of realization that we probably need to get something done. Between facebook and DNOW lessons, what homework can we get done? I'm searching for thoughts to put in this less than fabulous blog, but I can't seem to think of anything decent at the moment. Isn't that how life is sometimes though? Sometimes there's not radical sparking of interest what-so-ever. Not to be confused with stagnation, the uninspired moments of life are sometimes needed. Sometimes we must simply exist in order to understand that we are small and finite beings, capable of nothing without the Savior and Creator. 

I wonder what a life would be without God. I think the biggest brain teaser, other than there not being ANYTHING, would be the crazy concept of there being no hope. What would a world without hope be like? I'm glad I will never know personally, but if I think about it, there are parts of the world that literally have no hope. China, India, Pakistan, these countries literally have no hope. What a horrible place to live and exist. Hinduism, Confucianism, and Jainism have shaped the political and social aspects of the Eastern world to a point where individuals are not individuals. The people have no concept of personal rights or privileges. Along with Islam, these religions teach that one must simply exist and play their role in the world. When your turn on earth is over, either you reincarnate into something better or worse, or you cease to exist only through the memories of your decedents. 

When we leave this world, the record of our lives may be written about for future generations to learn about, but no one will care about random Joe Blow 50 years after he dies. Regular people are never remembered. Like Alexander the Great, sometimes the only ones that will be remembered are the ones that slaughter millions of Jews, or the ones that change the world like Pope John Paul.

We are only here on this planet for a very small time. What are we going to do with it? Will we give hope to the hopeless or go through the motions. 

What will define our lives? Scripture says that all parts of our lives are to give glory and honor to I AM. Do we really live that everyday? The answer, sadly, is no.

Giving hope to the hopeless through love, and being an encouraging voice to someone is essential to a happy life. Not stuff that you can't take with you when you leave Earth.

Proverbs

Ive really been reading proverbs lately. They always definitely reminded me of a great many things that i usually don't think about. The differences between the wise and the wicked always blow me away. Every time i read the dang book God reminds me of so many things. Its like a du-huh Caleb! WAKE UP DUDE! The specific course my life is taking at the moment is one of repentance, learning, and healing, but so awesome.

Repentance, because of all the stupid things i do on a daily basis. Little things seem to add up really quickly (sometimes slower) and create a snowball effect. One bad choice can turn into a whole chain. A year later you can wake up, bottom out, and wonder what happened. What is the secret? I now believe it's diligence. A steady and daily walk in wise counsel is the only way to avoid huge disasters. All the people who figured this out already think this is a no brainier, but for some slower people like myself, i never really understood completely why every day is a daily walk. I always knew it was what i was supposed to do, i always heard sermons about how and why, but it obviously never sunk in my hard headed skull. Holy cows and holy God, it finally clicked. I keep thinking to my self, "ommg," and i cant stop! i just cant believe the stinking revelation. (oh my midget gangster)

Next, learning, because of all the stuff God has beamed into my thick skull lately. I'm pretty grateful actually. One important think Ive learned lately is to appreciate my friends and family. Appreciation for other human beings is so key for the life God has called us to live. When you don't appreciate someone, they reallllly don't like it. Its also totally not fair to those people. No one deserves to be unappreciated, especially when God has created them. We are all His children. Who wants to be friends!? I promise ill be a good one!

Lastly, healing, because i have desperately been in need of it but i didnt give it to God to work on for me. I thought i could do it myself. (stupid idea lol) For so long now, ive needed God to heal me of the wounds ive inflicted on myself. Addictions, laziness, my greed of material things, my pride and ego, my envy of what others have, my self-centeredness, and my anger issues. You name it. I feel like my brain shut off for a while. Its really an encouraging thing to me that God has already judged me righteous. That word has really become my peace.

Man, there are soooo many different ideas i want to write out, but when it comes to show time, i cant remebmer what i want to say! Good thing internet doesnt have a post limit.

Every day is a journey. We're all on different journeys and different places in that journey, yet we mix with everybody else on their individual journeys at the same time. Thats crazy to think about. Its one of those massive things we ponder sometimes like how big the universe is. Anywho, God is good and i want to thank him for my life.

Life

I believe that life is a gift. Recent circumstances have led me to believe that perhaps I have missed out on many gifts in my life. I sit now, 20 years of age, reflecting on the past like I seem to have done so many times before. Each grand reflection is the result of a major life change. The Bible teaches me not to live in the past, but reflection is good for learning a thing or two. Sometimes a million.

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" -2 Corinthians 5:17. The old Caleb is gone and the new Caleb has arrived. This verse speaks directly of salvation where the old body is cast away, but it also means that I can always have a second chance. The great thing about the Christian God is that any bondage to sin can be wiped away in the blink of an eye. First though, I must confess my condition and accept the things God gives me for change including His plans for it. John 1:8, "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives." My fresh start lies in this. As a Christian, I know what is wrong. When I do wrong, have genuine remorse, and ask for help, God can then work and change me.

The recent life change has left me broken beyond anything I ever thought possible. I have never felt so much hurt and anger all mixed together. I have learned very good lessons also. Lessons of life and love. Appreciation is the biggest of anything I have learned lately. I have always thought that I have done a good job appreciating people and things. I realized that I really hadn't. Sometimes I feel my appreciation of another has come to late, but in retrospect I always am reminded by God that perhaps the past 19 months have led up to this point of my eyes being opened.

To remember something that one has learned, I believe that some sort of reinforcement has to be used. One cannot build a house without studs. Pain is the greatest reinforcement long term yet is the worst short term. (One could argue either pain or extreme happiness being the ultimate reinforcement, but that is not for now.) When inflicted with enough pain, one will never forget that moment and the process of healing afterward. One could use a million examples. The example that comes to my mind first is of Adam. Adam last month almost died. He will never forget that his spleen almost split in two and he will never forget how it felt. He will never forget the life lessons learned in that time and in the time of healing afterward either. When cut deeply, a scar is left to always remind us of what happened. In the same way, emotional pain and suffering can lead to the greatest mending of a person.

God uses strange ways to teach us lessons. I have recently been cut to my bones. What has happened needed to happen for so many different reasons. I can't even think of them all. The recent ending of a relationship did not hit me until a week ago. I realized that, as a person, one absolutely cannot take something so serious so lightly. So many questions have raced through my head. So many self evaluations have left me speechless wanting nothing to do with myself. I felt so bad for so many different things. I also felt so alone and so far away from the Creator.

Everything changed last Saturday, the 21st. Some sense was finally knocked into me. Its when I finally let the healing process begin. It was long over due. After feeling like a total failure in life at 20, God held me. He reminded me that everything was fine. Every day is a new day. He is all that I've felt that I can actually count on. He's all I've felt that I had left. I felt like I had absolutely nothing left except Him. Thoughts of His never leaving me rallied once again. He also reminded me that I have dreams.

I have so many forgotten dreams because I never trusted him enough to make them happen. I had to sit down with God and remember my true dreams. Dreams of wanting to sing to the masses. Dreams of leading a huge crowd in worship... over and over and over again. Dreams of playing music to a million people. Dreams of one day getting married and having children. Dreams of being a true man of God.

What are your dreams? Has anybody told you that you can't do it? I never want doubt to fill my head and stop me from doing the extraordinary. I am capable of anything because Jesus told me that he lives in me. I only need to have faith. I am growing every day into a more faith based person.