Am I delusional?

Sometimes i feel delusional. Like i live in my own little dream world. Maybe i do, maybe i don't. Im not sure really. How am i supposed to know? Ive been wondering lately.

I recently applied to do missions in the Philippines this summer through the IMB. They ask you some personal questions. Im thinking i might be denied because of some of my answers. Questions i had to explain include the following list: Have you used tobacco products in the past 12 months? Have you consumed alcohol in the past 12 months? Have you looked at pornography in the last 12 months? Have you had sexual relations with someone other than your spouse in the past 12 months? Not only did i fail all four of them, i had to give a brief but through explaination of them all. Answering those questions was uncomfortabe and eye opening. Wow caleb, i wondered, what happened? Brain lapse? Stupidity? Lack of better judgement? All of the above i guess... dang. I knew a friend who was actually denied for being honest on the survey. It makes me think if some people lie in order to be approved to go? Perhaps. It doesnt matter to me anyhow what other people do. Needless to say, ive been thinking a lot lately about this. Plus, i just smoked a cigarette. I think that its not terrible but at the same time i do. Its one of those weird things i guess. Maybe im just justifying it to myself. Thats probably it actually. I told myself i was going to throw all my cigs and cigars away and be done with them. It was easier to stop having sex. Maybe thats because we broke up... who knows. Its not that im addicted to cigarettes, its the fact that i do occasionally smoke them.

Its crazy, cigarettes, fast food, drinking dr pepper, theyre all harmful and addictive, but why is the food stuff more acceptable? Cigs make your lungs look like death, baconators make your body look like death too (and huge). Ive been trying to drop some weight. Mainly to be a healthier person. I dont want to put that stuff in my body anymore. Cigs should be the same too. They do nothing but harm my body. My body is a temple of the holy spirit. I know that but sometimes i forget and dont think about it. Alcohol is terrible for you too. Im not a huge fan of most alcoholic beverages, but there are a few that are really really good. Being called to the ministry i know that im called to a higher standard. I feel like im not living that lately. I havent lived my life to the fullest in a really long time. God has been laying it on my heart to be a healthier, more encouraging, and better person. I also want to be a more mature person. I know i act like a child a lot lol. I want to goof off, but i know that i shouldnt all the time. (its always good sometimes!)

My journey with Christ lately has been pretty much that. Hes been convicting me of the little things that add up later. I could have refrained from the sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but i didnt realize at the time that id have to answer for it later. To him and to the application for missions this summer. I pray that God does what he wants with me this summer and that Ill be ok with whatever He wants me to do. I really want to go over seas for missions because i know it would stretch me to my limits. Being in another country for 60 days, not seeing my family and friends will probably almost break me. Thats ok, i want to know that God is really all that i need. I want to go so badly. I just pray that my actions havent messed that up.

Also, the stinking girl. Ugh, Im still clueless to everything lol. I know lots of the things about her are what Im definitely looking for in a future wife. Maybe Im being biased at the moment, but i cant really put my finger on the things i dont want in a wife. Is it her? I have no clue. I sure would like it to be though! Thats what Im thinking at the moment anyways. Maybe this will pass like some other things, maybe not, i dont know yet.

This is another thought and wavelenght, but shes been reall sick lately and ive been praying for her to get better all day and night, everyday. Everyday I pray to God like He told me to. You know, the part about pray and believe it honestly when you pray it. So everyday i pray for her to feel better, and when i wake up Im expecting her to be all better like nothing ever happened only to find out that shes not! Lol i just scratch my head and ask God why the heck not!? Then i realize that Hes God and that He can do whatever He wants and He doesnt have to answer ANYTHING to me lol. But anways, i just want it to work! Maybe im off my rocker because shes got bronchitis. Its nothing even serious. I just really dont like to see her going through anything uncomfortable. I know it could always be worse, but its not. Right now she needs to get better, so thats what i pray for. I just wish my prayers would work immediately! I know they dont always do that though! Anyways, its a fun journey Im on with God. Hes legit because He always knows whats best for us. Obviously whats best for her right now is to be sick. I have no clue why, but thats what it is! I guess ill just keep praying until shes better anyways! This girl has me scratching my head all the time. Its crazy but fun all the same.

Another random. I feel like ive got nothing in the world to offer this girl. Why would she even want to be with me? I dont get it at all. Im not beating myself up over it, but im wondering all the same. I feel like shes got everything to offer and ive got nada. Maybe im still off my rocker? No idea. Whatever man. God is good and good is love.