Reconnecting

Hello blog world. It sure has been a while. About a month with very limited internet use, for various reasons, has been great! Facebook isnt terribly fantastic once you get off of it for a while. Its a great place to keep in touch with friends, of course, but its nice to sometimes take a step back and take a deep breath. Ive had plenty of time to keep up with people in person rather than digitaly. Ive reconnected with a few people i hadnt talked to in years. It makes me feel great! For some strange reason, i actually WANT to keep up with old friends now. ;-) Anyhow, perhaps ill start blogging again, maybe not. I know that right now, i am. Right now i feel like typing words into this blog.

I recently read a couple books. The first was Sinner written by some lady i dont know the name of. I let my friend borrow it. I liked it a lot until the end... Terrible ending. What editor let this ending go through... I dont know but they were crazy. I also finished Saint by ted dekker. I absolutely loved it. Im now want to be a hardcore ted dekker fan. Through that book i learned about the circle trilogy. Black, White, and Red. I bought them all. Im almost half way through the first book, Black. I LOVE it times infiniti plus 1. Stinking good writer. I cant wait to read the other ones.

I reconnected with a couple of old girlfriends that i really burned back in high school. Said my sorrys, genuine sorrys of course, and was delighted, and surprised, that they actually wanted to talk to me again. Talk about make me feel so much better. I think im pretty much done sending out my apoligies to people ive really wronged since i started high school. Ive been working hard on it. I know its something that needs to happen for my life to continue more stress free. Ill never know when ill have to see those people again. Better to make sure im on good terms with them!

Other than keeping in touch with old friends, ive been working a lot. (and getting a nice tan doing it) Work is great and fun. I really like what im doing. Im really learning a lot from Johnny about life and how to do a lot of maintenence junk.

Anyways, thats all for now! More later.

Bow to the head

Today I got elbowed in the side of the head by some kid while playing basketball. It really hurt, but made me think about how I would really like God to elbow me in the head spiritually. I know that you should watch what you ask for, but I know deep down I need it. I feel like I need to know that God is more than enough for all of me. I know it, but I don't KNOW it.

I've recently been thinking about faith. Faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain, if you have faith and no doubt, whatever you ask will be given to you. I need some more faith. I've been kinda running a test to gauge how much faith I have. Whether or not it's something I'm supposed to do, I dunno. It looks like I don't have much faith lol. I've been praying for them to get better for like 2 weeks now, and they haven't gotten better, worse actually! Maybe God just really wants them to be sick. Who knows but, I know that if I had big faith, I could ask for it and it be given. O well, I'm pretty sure I'm missing something somewhere.

God is BIG

God is bigger than my feelings. I know that. Now Im trying to apply this. Feelings come from flesh or spirit. No matter what I feel, God is bigger than that. He will always guide me in what to do. :-) that makes me happy!

Am I delusional?

Sometimes i feel delusional. Like i live in my own little dream world. Maybe i do, maybe i don't. Im not sure really. How am i supposed to know? Ive been wondering lately.

I recently applied to do missions in the Philippines this summer through the IMB. They ask you some personal questions. Im thinking i might be denied because of some of my answers. Questions i had to explain include the following list: Have you used tobacco products in the past 12 months? Have you consumed alcohol in the past 12 months? Have you looked at pornography in the last 12 months? Have you had sexual relations with someone other than your spouse in the past 12 months? Not only did i fail all four of them, i had to give a brief but through explaination of them all. Answering those questions was uncomfortabe and eye opening. Wow caleb, i wondered, what happened? Brain lapse? Stupidity? Lack of better judgement? All of the above i guess... dang. I knew a friend who was actually denied for being honest on the survey. It makes me think if some people lie in order to be approved to go? Perhaps. It doesnt matter to me anyhow what other people do. Needless to say, ive been thinking a lot lately about this. Plus, i just smoked a cigarette. I think that its not terrible but at the same time i do. Its one of those weird things i guess. Maybe im just justifying it to myself. Thats probably it actually. I told myself i was going to throw all my cigs and cigars away and be done with them. It was easier to stop having sex. Maybe thats because we broke up... who knows. Its not that im addicted to cigarettes, its the fact that i do occasionally smoke them.

Its crazy, cigarettes, fast food, drinking dr pepper, theyre all harmful and addictive, but why is the food stuff more acceptable? Cigs make your lungs look like death, baconators make your body look like death too (and huge). Ive been trying to drop some weight. Mainly to be a healthier person. I dont want to put that stuff in my body anymore. Cigs should be the same too. They do nothing but harm my body. My body is a temple of the holy spirit. I know that but sometimes i forget and dont think about it. Alcohol is terrible for you too. Im not a huge fan of most alcoholic beverages, but there are a few that are really really good. Being called to the ministry i know that im called to a higher standard. I feel like im not living that lately. I havent lived my life to the fullest in a really long time. God has been laying it on my heart to be a healthier, more encouraging, and better person. I also want to be a more mature person. I know i act like a child a lot lol. I want to goof off, but i know that i shouldnt all the time. (its always good sometimes!)

My journey with Christ lately has been pretty much that. Hes been convicting me of the little things that add up later. I could have refrained from the sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but i didnt realize at the time that id have to answer for it later. To him and to the application for missions this summer. I pray that God does what he wants with me this summer and that Ill be ok with whatever He wants me to do. I really want to go over seas for missions because i know it would stretch me to my limits. Being in another country for 60 days, not seeing my family and friends will probably almost break me. Thats ok, i want to know that God is really all that i need. I want to go so badly. I just pray that my actions havent messed that up.

Also, the stinking girl. Ugh, Im still clueless to everything lol. I know lots of the things about her are what Im definitely looking for in a future wife. Maybe Im being biased at the moment, but i cant really put my finger on the things i dont want in a wife. Is it her? I have no clue. I sure would like it to be though! Thats what Im thinking at the moment anyways. Maybe this will pass like some other things, maybe not, i dont know yet.

This is another thought and wavelenght, but shes been reall sick lately and ive been praying for her to get better all day and night, everyday. Everyday I pray to God like He told me to. You know, the part about pray and believe it honestly when you pray it. So everyday i pray for her to feel better, and when i wake up Im expecting her to be all better like nothing ever happened only to find out that shes not! Lol i just scratch my head and ask God why the heck not!? Then i realize that Hes God and that He can do whatever He wants and He doesnt have to answer ANYTHING to me lol. But anways, i just want it to work! Maybe im off my rocker because shes got bronchitis. Its nothing even serious. I just really dont like to see her going through anything uncomfortable. I know it could always be worse, but its not. Right now she needs to get better, so thats what i pray for. I just wish my prayers would work immediately! I know they dont always do that though! Anyways, its a fun journey Im on with God. Hes legit because He always knows whats best for us. Obviously whats best for her right now is to be sick. I have no clue why, but thats what it is! I guess ill just keep praying until shes better anyways! This girl has me scratching my head all the time. Its crazy but fun all the same.

Another random. I feel like ive got nothing in the world to offer this girl. Why would she even want to be with me? I dont get it at all. Im not beating myself up over it, but im wondering all the same. I feel like shes got everything to offer and ive got nada. Maybe im still off my rocker? No idea. Whatever man. God is good and good is love.

Heavy Thoughts

Im dropping in again with heavy thoughts. Thoughts of God and thoughts of a girl.

My relationship with Christ has been growing lately! GREAT news! Im definitely excited about that! I find myself thinking about Him more and more, wanting to spend time with Him. I really cant start to explain how cool this is! Our relationship is growing deeper and more rooted. I feel like i can hang out with God again. I find myself asking Him simple questions, chatting with Him, asking for His advice, and asking His permission for certain things. Its great! The whole world seems simpler and less aggravating now. He is helping me see things more clearly. God is doing such a massive renovation inside of me. I feel happier, more energetic, more excited about things, and more appreciative of people. He totally is helping me deal with my sins. He is helping me battle addictions and shortcomings. Did i mention that i feel great?! I feel on top of the world! Heavenly...

This girl blows me away. She is truly something beautiful God has created. I have feelings for her, but Im still waiting to act on them lol. I asked God permission to date his daughter. That seems like a normal thing to do right? I dunno, i still think and pray for her all the time. I still don't know what Im supposed to do with this thing. I almost feel like i have nothing to offer. I feel like she's playing in the major leagues and Im still stuck in t-ball.... like there's no way in hades this girl could see anything in me. Its funny, everything i do well seems to not impress her lol. That just makes me laugh because Im 20 and Im still trying to "impress" some girl. Man, thats crazy. I think that she's so afraid of getting a broken heart like she's had so many times. I dunno, maybe Im still crazy. I still think there's a possibility that Im delusional. I am a dude after all.

I would sell everything for a pair of good reasons.

So, I have an incredibly huge crush on a girl. This girl is so amazing. Today is March 29 at 3 in the morning. Shade and I broke up at the end of January. Im confused as to if this is a rebound. Im pretty sure this girl thinks it is. Ugh. Part of me wants to believe that its not a rebound but the other part of me always knows that its a possibility. How do you know when you're not rebounding anymore? Im not really sure. No one ever told me! Plus, Shea was the first serious relationship i ever had. Im in new territory now.

Beside all that, i cant get this girl out of my freaking mind. All day i think about her. At night i dream about her. She is always present in my mind. When i see her i get excited like a 14 year old. I just want to be with her. Even if i could be with her though, i know Im not really ready to be in another relationship. I know my walk with Christ isn't on the tracks He wants it to be. I remember the feelings i had for Shea when we first started dating and things were new. I think that these feelings are actually stronger. Its weird.

I absolutely adore this girl. I always have.  Two years ago i actually had the same exact feelings for her months before i dated Shea. I realized that at the time that she just didnt want to go there. I have been friends with her for a long time now. Everything about her makes me go crazy. I feel certain ways about this girl that i never felt about Shea. I feel like a jerk for dating someone for so long and not feeling certain ways about them... cant do anything about it now. I dont know if she understands that she makes me lose sleep at night and skip meals during the day. I want to sell everything i have. All my guitars, my car, anything else i have of value, i want to sell. Take some money from that, buy a ring for this girl, ask her to marry me, then use whatever else to buy two one way tickets to anywhere in the world. We would move there, do missions and never come back to the states. The heck with everything else. Nothing else would matter. Me, her, and our buddy Jesus. (life is too short to waste right?) 

I asked her out on a date and she told me no because i was rebounding. Maybe so, it was like 3 weeks ago. Im still convinced that Shea and JB getting together was the result of a rebound, but thats not my problem anymore. I look at them and know what i dont want to do. I dont want to jump into a relationship with a really good friend just to have it thrown away months later. Im also convinced that she definitely is wife material and that we will get married one day. Maybe im delusional, maybe im making it feel that way myself, or maybe Im wrong like i was about Shea. Who knows at this point.            Perhaps im just crazy.

Yesterday i told her that we should totally grab some coffee sometime. Her response was "we shall see." What does that even mean? Am I totally reading too much into things? Am i making this all up in my head? Does she actually maybe have feelings for me too? I dont know and not knowing is the most frustrating part of life. 

Am i a stalker if i keep asking her out? -Not every day of course, but twice in 3 weeks. Its like, i know what i want, so i want to have what i want. You cant always get what you want of course. Anyways, ill keep waiting to understand why this is all happening. She'll probably be attending Seminary with me in the fall. Maybe theres something to this whole thing, maybe not. I sure wish i knew now. What beauty God has created.

DNOW Jennings

This weekend I had an amazing time in Jennings, LA. We played a DNOW at Jennings FBC for about 30 students. It was, by far, the most fun I have ever personally had playing music. It wasn't even the music that was the best part. The best part was that I made a ton of new friends! We got to hang out with a bunch of awesome kids all weekend. Those kids loved us and we loved them right back. They were so open to hanging out with us and they weren't ever afraid to approach us to chat or whatever. It was awesome!

I gave my heart to a bunch of kids this weekend and they did nothing but give theirs back. The great thing about kids/students is the fact that it doesn't matter what you do, they will love you completely! They have faith in you and they believe in you sometimes more than you have and do to yourself. It's that kind of child-like faith that God calls us to have in Him.