I would sell everything for a pair of good reasons.

So, I have an incredibly huge crush on a girl. This girl is so amazing. Today is March 29 at 3 in the morning. Shade and I broke up at the end of January. Im confused as to if this is a rebound. Im pretty sure this girl thinks it is. Ugh. Part of me wants to believe that its not a rebound but the other part of me always knows that its a possibility. How do you know when you're not rebounding anymore? Im not really sure. No one ever told me! Plus, Shea was the first serious relationship i ever had. Im in new territory now.

Beside all that, i cant get this girl out of my freaking mind. All day i think about her. At night i dream about her. She is always present in my mind. When i see her i get excited like a 14 year old. I just want to be with her. Even if i could be with her though, i know Im not really ready to be in another relationship. I know my walk with Christ isn't on the tracks He wants it to be. I remember the feelings i had for Shea when we first started dating and things were new. I think that these feelings are actually stronger. Its weird.

I absolutely adore this girl. I always have.  Two years ago i actually had the same exact feelings for her months before i dated Shea. I realized that at the time that she just didnt want to go there. I have been friends with her for a long time now. Everything about her makes me go crazy. I feel certain ways about this girl that i never felt about Shea. I feel like a jerk for dating someone for so long and not feeling certain ways about them... cant do anything about it now. I dont know if she understands that she makes me lose sleep at night and skip meals during the day. I want to sell everything i have. All my guitars, my car, anything else i have of value, i want to sell. Take some money from that, buy a ring for this girl, ask her to marry me, then use whatever else to buy two one way tickets to anywhere in the world. We would move there, do missions and never come back to the states. The heck with everything else. Nothing else would matter. Me, her, and our buddy Jesus. (life is too short to waste right?) 

I asked her out on a date and she told me no because i was rebounding. Maybe so, it was like 3 weeks ago. Im still convinced that Shea and JB getting together was the result of a rebound, but thats not my problem anymore. I look at them and know what i dont want to do. I dont want to jump into a relationship with a really good friend just to have it thrown away months later. Im also convinced that she definitely is wife material and that we will get married one day. Maybe im delusional, maybe im making it feel that way myself, or maybe Im wrong like i was about Shea. Who knows at this point.            Perhaps im just crazy.

Yesterday i told her that we should totally grab some coffee sometime. Her response was "we shall see." What does that even mean? Am I totally reading too much into things? Am i making this all up in my head? Does she actually maybe have feelings for me too? I dont know and not knowing is the most frustrating part of life. 

Am i a stalker if i keep asking her out? -Not every day of course, but twice in 3 weeks. Its like, i know what i want, so i want to have what i want. You cant always get what you want of course. Anyways, ill keep waiting to understand why this is all happening. She'll probably be attending Seminary with me in the fall. Maybe theres something to this whole thing, maybe not. I sure wish i knew now. What beauty God has created.